Oude emotionele pijn in volwassen relaties
De pijn van een gebrek aan emotionele verzorging in je jeugd herhaalt zich vaak in onze volwassen liefdesrelaties. Hiermee bedoel ik dat we als kind niet de aandacht, waardering, erkenning en bevestiging kregen waar we recht op hadden en behoefte aan hadden. Zonder het te beseffen, gaan we op zoek naar compensatie. We kiezen onbewust een partner uit die qua emotionele beschikbaarheid lijkt op één van onze ouders. Dit kan zich steeds in een andere vorm voordoen.
On one hand, it may be a partner who is physically unavailable, such as someone who is already in a relationship, lives far away, doesn’t know you well, or doesn’t feel romantically attracted to you. On the other hand, it might be an emotionally unavailable partner: someone who cannot commit, has difficulty empathizing with you due to traits like autism or narcissism, struggles with mental health issues, or exhibits addictive behaviors.
It could also be that we unconsciously choose a partner who is always available and willing to do anything to gain our attention and approval. This can lead to a dynamic of dependence and overcompensation, where the partner is more focused on caring for us than on their own boundaries. Even though it doesn’t make you happy, it’s familiar, and that’s why it feels comfortable.
Inevitably, you get triggered in your ‘old pain’ and start using your survival mechanisms to avoid feeling that past hurt in your current relationship. It’s a battle you can easily lose, as you’ll soon notice you’re caught in a destructive dynamic together: the push-pull dance of attraction and rejection.
Bindingsangst en verlatingsangst: twee kanten van dezelfde medaille
Within the concept of insecure attachment, we can distinguish between an anxious attachment style (fear of abandonment) and an avoidant attachment style (fear of commitment). At their core, both reflect the same underlying issue: a deep longing for love combined with a profound fear of emotional intimacy. The difference lies in the survival strategy. The anxiously attached person reaches out in an attempt to secure love and safety, while the avoidantly attached person also longs for love but seeks safety by keeping their distance.
The anxiously attached person experiences intense fear when the avoidantly attached partner cannot meet their need for intimacy and begins to pull away — yet they find themselves unable to let go of the relationship. When the avoidant partner creates some distance, their own fear subsides, and their longing for love resurfaces. Once the avoidant partner returns, the anxious partner’s fear also eases, making room for relief or even euphoria. This creates an on-again, off-again relationship dynamic. Beneath avoidant behavior, there is always a fear of abandonment — and beneath anxious behavior, there is always a fear of commitment. The role you take on can vary depending on the situation or the partner you're with. Many variations of this dynamic exist; for example, you might avoid relationships altogether because they feel too risky.
Relatieverslaving: waarom deze dynamiek zo verslavend voelt
We noemen de liefdesbange dans ook wel relatieverslaving. De heftigheid van deze dynamiek wordt al snel verward met echte liefde. Maar niets is minder waar: het is een ‘shotje’ liefde dat je nodig hebt om je ‘oude pijn’ te dempen. Je gaat een afhankelijkheidsrelatie aan om een intern gemis bij elkaar op te vullen.
So what does it take to break this cycle?
You’ve probably heard it before, but it truly is essential: you need to start taking care of the longing and the emptiness within yourself. Only then will a relationship no longer feel like a necessity, but rather like a beautiful addition to your life.
There’s no quick fix — this is deep work. But the good news is: you don’t have to do it alone. With my guidance, you can start taking meaningful steps toward healing, self-love, and emotional autonomy.
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