The pain of lacking emotional care in childhood often repeats itself in our adult romantic relationships. What I mean is that, as children, we didn’t receive the attention, appreciation, recognition, and validation we were entitled to and needed. Without realizing it, we begin seeking compensation for that void. We unconsciously choose a partner who emotionally resembles one of our parents. This can manifest in different ways over time.
On one hand, it may be a partner who is physically unavailable, such as someone who is already in a relationship, lives far away, doesn’t know you well, or doesn’t feel romantically attracted to you. On the other hand, it might be an emotionally unavailable partner: someone who cannot commit, has difficulty empathizing with you due to traits like autism or narcissism, struggles with mental health issues, or exhibits addictive behaviors.
It could also be that we unconsciously choose a partner who is always available and willing to do anything to gain our attention and approval. This can lead to a dynamic of dependence and overcompensation, where the partner is more focused on caring for us than on their own boundaries. Even though it doesn’t make you happy, it’s familiar, and that’s why it feels comfortable.
Inevitably, you get triggered in your ‘old pain’ and start using your survival mechanisms to avoid feeling that past hurt in your current relationship. It’s a battle you can easily lose, as you’ll soon notice you’re caught in a destructive dynamic together: the push-pull dance of attraction and rejection.
Within the concept of insecure attachment, we can distinguish between an anxious attachment style (fear of abandonment) and an avoidant attachment style (fear of commitment). At their core, both reflect the same underlying issue: a deep longing for love combined with a profound fear of emotional intimacy. The difference lies in the survival strategy. The anxiously attached person reaches out in an attempt to secure love and safety, while the avoidantly attached person also longs for love but seeks safety by keeping their distance.
The anxiously attached person experiences intense fear when the avoidantly attached partner cannot meet their need for intimacy and begins to pull away — yet they find themselves unable to let go of the relationship. When the avoidant partner creates some distance, their own fear subsides, and their longing for love resurfaces. Once the avoidant partner returns, the anxious partner’s fear also eases, making room for relief or even euphoria. This creates an on-again, off-again relationship dynamic. Beneath avoidant behavior, there is always a fear of abandonment — and beneath anxious behavior, there is always a fear of commitment. The role you take on can vary depending on the situation or the partner you're with. Many variations of this dynamic exist; for example, you might avoid relationships altogether because they feel too risky.
This fear-driven dance is often referred to as relationship addiction. The intensity of the dynamic is easily mistaken for true love — but nothing could be further from the truth. It’s more like a quick fix: a “hit” of love used to soothe old emotional pain. What actually develops is a relationship of dependency, where both partners try to fill an inner void through each other.
So what does it take to break this cycle? You’ve probably heard it before, but it truly is essential: you need to start taking care of the longing and the emptiness within yourself. Only then will a relationship no longer feel like a necessity, but rather like a beautiful addition to your life. There’s no quick fix — this is deep work. But the good news is: you don’t have to do it alone. With my guidance, you can start taking meaningful steps toward healing, self-love, and emotional autonomy.
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